The Mama Beth

Moved

2010-03-03T11:27:00.002-07:00

I moved my blog to Wordpress.

http://themamabeth.wordpress.com/

Econobum Review

2010-02-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

One week in using Econobum diapers. So far, they are a smashing success-I am so happy with them. Jake still uses the BG diapers because [he thinks] they are easier, but he's totally willing to go all Econobum all the time if I want to. They have gone overnight with no leaks, which in our house is rare-the kid pees A LOT. The only complaint I have is that poop tends to get on the outer cover, so if there's a poopy diaper I have to get a new outer cover. Honestly though, since they are so inexpensive, I have no problem buying another box to have a total of six outer covers. They may not be cute, but so far they are as functional as heck and with the price being as reasonable as it is, I feel like if they don't last years and years, it still makes more financial sense to use these than disposables. Just the fact that now I'm not having to change her clothes every time she wets her diaper is enough to make me very, very happy.

Meh

2010-02-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hey look, another month with no updates.

Nothing much to update about I suppose. I have lots of plans, projects and good intentions, but it seems like after one or two super productive and happy days, I fall back into the dumps and don't accomplish anything for a week (or month).

Adeline is fantastic, her personality is really starting to come out. She's a stringbean-tall and skinny. She has six teeth and appears to be quite content for the time being with that amount. I don't see any more poking through. She's stubborn as heck and once she gets her mind set on something, it is set and there is little distracting her. Trying to stop her from reaching an intended goal turns her into a noodle baby limp on the ground and usually screaming bloody murder. She's confident and independent, but she's wary of adults. She adores other kids though and for someone who doesn't get much other kid time, she interacts really well with them. She seems to have the metabolism of a hummingbird-for breakfast today it was a bananna, yogurt, a piece of toast, some blueberries and some raspberries. She loves to be read to (yay!) and loves to climb (not so yay), and she's good at it too. She's such a helper, it cracks me up. She will bring her dad every plate in the dishwasher to put away. She helps me do laundry by handing me the clothes from the basket so I can put them in the washer, and she shuts the dryer door for me when it is done. She loves having her hair brushed and will bring any hair brushing insrument she finds to us so we can brush it for her-and she'll brush ours for us too. When she or anyone else sneezes, she waits for us to say bless you! and then she makes this little coughing sound. Funny at home, but when she's mocking people she hears cough or sneeze out in public, not so much. She's such a great little person.

In other kid news, we're trying a new brand of diapers. We're needing to supplement our stash, so I've been shopping around. I'm kind of over our BumGenius diapers-they are leaking (I think it is the amount she pees rather than a diaper defect though) and the velcro is a real pain. I realize that it is pretty much a one time cost, but do diapers REALLY have to be so expensive? I cannot bring myself to pay $26 for something intended to hold gross bodily fluids. I bought a box of Econobums, which are pretty much as basic as it gets. Today starts the trial run.

So yeah, meh. Nothing much going on around here.

Long time no see

2010-01-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

Yikes, a month with no posts. Whoops, I was trying to actually keep up with this thing. Oh well, another thing to add to the list of resolutions, right?

Sooooo December.

There was a birthday.

Presents!

Sharing cake with Dada. She ate the heck out of that cake.

A WHOLE YEAR!?!?!

There was decorating and shopping (!) and wrapping.

She loves her Christmas tree!

Wrapping with three cats, two dogs and a toddler is tricky.

There were aspirations to baking but that never happened.

There were two separate Christmas celebrations.

From poppa, she loveslovesloves her tent. She's gotten so much out of it!

A present from Santa (aka YaYa). If only I had a recording of the squeal she'd make.

Hey that's ME (looking like a doofus). And Adeline hugging her new bear.

It was a good month.

Sharing the love

2009-12-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

For the past two Christmases, we have shown up empty handed at family gatherings. Jake was laid off from two separate jobs two years in a row and there just wasn't money for gifts. We joked last year that Adeline was everyone's presents, but I still hated not having actual gifts to share.

This year we're still on one income, though this time it is by choice. But there still just isn't alot to go around. I wrestled with what to do-buy everyone a tiny gift? Make people gifts? All of my choices still felt cheap.

And then there was Chelsea, and Chelsea's blog. Because of her, I will not be empty handed this year at Christmas.

On top of all the free stuff I can shop for, she gives stuff away too! Like right now she's got a giveaway going for cloth diapers. Now, don't go an enter, because that'll lessen my chances of winning. I'm just posting this so you can see how generous Chelsea is, and so you'll go look at her blog.

Burning down the house...

2009-11-29T20:52:00.001-07:00

My mom came over today to hang out with Adeline. I have no illusions about who it is she comes to see when she visits-she likes me well enough, but the baby is the interesting one in this household these days.

Since dinner was take-out Chinese, my mom opted to stay to eat. Since I really feel like take-out Chinese is not a good choice for a one-year-old, I decided I'd cook Adeline something while Jake was picking up our dinner. I put some water on to boil for pasta-simple enough, right?

The next thing I know, there are flames coming out from under the pot. Flames. So, I very calmly turn off the heat, take the pot off the burner and flip a skillet that was sitting there upside down over the fire, thinking that would put it out. Which it, of course, did not. Fortunately we had a big container of salt in the cabinet right next to the stove, and dumping the majority of that on the fire put it out. The smoke alarms were going off, and my poor mother was standing at the edge of the kitchen holding the baby looking like she was ready to evacuate. She had one hand covering one of Adeline's ears and she was trying to hold her so that her other ear was pressed against my mom. Adeline just looked annoyed that she was being held when she wanted to be playing.

After the smoke alarms were turned off and the water was set to boil on a different burner, it occurred to my mom that Adeline hadn't really reacted to the alarms. And that I had been remarkably calm during the entire episode. Which forced me to admit that the smoke alarms go off nearly every time I cook because there's something burnt onto the bottom of my oven that creates a nice cloud of smoke, and if the oven is open for more than ten seconds or so, it ends up setting off the alarm. And I'm clumsy and I spill, a lot. And things on or under the burners tend to catch fire kind of often. Not like what happened tonight, but I've dealt with my share of little kitchen fires.

So when my mom left tonight, it was with strict instructions that tomorrow I am to run the self-clean cycle on the oven and clean out those trays under the burners (which are soaking as we speak).

A day at the park

2009-11-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

About a week ago Jake and I took Adeline to the park. This was her first outing since she could walk where we could just let her down to go where she wanted, so I wasn't sure how she would react.

She wasn't so sure either, at first. Then she got her balance, and she took off.

She'd fall and hop right back up. Or, if she fell and there was dirt, she'd play in that for a minute before moving on.

Then, we went to feed the ducks. I couldn't get any pictures because I was too busy trying to keep her from jumping in the lake. Then a goose showed up and he kept coming up on the sidewalk, and that was enough for me, so we stopped feeding the ducks. We popped her back in the stroller and wandered around.

This is the view of the ducks from the bridge. I don't like birds, so this was kinda intimadating! For some reason Jake liked that brownish one in the middle and kept trying to feed just him, but that duck was rather dumb and kept missing the bread.

It was a fun day.

Could it be?

2009-11-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not the most organized person. I would like to be, and on days that I clean, the house looks awesome. Never lasts though, usually within hours things start to pile up again. The worst of it is the laundry. I despise putting laundry away, and if Jake doesn't do it, it just gets left sitting. Since we use cloth diapers, they're often left in the pile, and we just pull them out as needed.

The other day, Adeline brought me a diaper. She loves playing in the laundry basket, so I didn't think much of it. Then, a couple of days ago, she brought me the package of disposable diapers (I get lazy sometimes).

How is it that in the last week we've gone from her running in the other direction if she saw me with a diaper to her bringing me diapers? I can't keep up with this kid sometimes.

2009-11-15T12:44:00.004-07:00

Shopping is done, but it is nearly 1 PM. We got started later than I'd hoped to. I'm off to cook...dundundun!

Lasagna is done, beef stew is cooking and ratatouille is almost done. So far, no disasters. Adeline has been a doll all day, she did great at the store, but she loves going to the store so there's no surprise. She had some cuddles with me right after we got home and the rest of the afternoon she entertained herself with her toys or played in the kitchen cabinets. Right now, she's napping.

I think I'll rest with her for awhile and then finish up. This is exhausting!

It seems that I do not own enough pots and pans or tupperware for this endeavor. My freezer is going to be filled with an assortment of tupperware, tupperware covered in foil because I can't find the proper lid and ziplock baggies.

Four meals to go, and a GIANT mess to clean up.

Take it easy

2009-11-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

Things are too complicated right now. I work evenings, which leaves Jake in charge of dinner, bath and the pre-bed routine. Adeline isn't much on nighttime and tends to get cranky and needy as it starts getting dark, and Jake hasn't mastered the art of cooking with a kiddo hanging onto his leg. Which means that dinner often just doesn't really happen. The kid gets fed, but Jake and I usually scrounge.

So I'm thinking-can I make a freeze a weeks worth of meals on Sunday? Is that going to be just awful? Or will the day of cooking not be so bad when I'm eating real food on a Tuesday night instead of Cheezits and ice cream?

So the plan is make seven meals, freeze them, and eat like royalty all next week.

Jake'll be gone all day tomorrow so I'm on my own for the shopping and the cooking parts. Should be fun!

Meal 1: Lasagna (beef)
Meal 2: Chicken Enchiladas
Meal 3: Beef Stew in the crockpot
Meal 4: Spaghetti sauce w/ turkey meatballs (turkey)
Meal 5: Spanish Chicken and Rice
Meal 6: Ratatouille
Meal 7: Black Bean Soup

2009-11-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

Nablopomo=Fail. I just can't do the everyday thing. I can't/won't just post for the sake of posting.

So Dead Like Me...I'm into season two now. There's something about the main character-I think her name is Jasmine Guy, she reminds me of the person who plays Meredith on Gray's Anatomy-something in the mouth area. It is mostly looks, but the way they speak seems similar as well.

I also started Weeds. So far I'm not seeing the big draw. I like the older son's character, but the rest of them seem too stereotypical and it is kind of boring.

The sun needs to come back out. We've had these weird overcast days lately and enough is enough. This makes me feel crappy and I want my sunshine back.

2009-11-10T22:29:00.002-07:00

Since we cancelled cable, I signed up for Netflix.

The show Dead Like Me? Awesome. It is so dark and morbid but funny and oddly insightful.

Good stuff.

Bah humbug

2009-11-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

The impending holidays are making me decidedly grouchy. We have Thanksgiving, Adeline's birthday and Christmas looming and there is a mess of stress being generated from all of this.

People want gift lists, plans, schedules and commitments. There is ONE specific toy I really want for Adeline, which I told my mom. But she still wants a gift list. That's amazing and generous, and she loves that she can buy toys now, but I just don't know what to ask for. What if I choose toys and they never get played with? I'd just feel bad. What I really want for her are clothes and shoes, but my mom is the fun ya-ya, so she's going to get fun presents, not practical stuff.

Thanksgiving might be better than I anticipated because my brother has to work, so my dad wants to do it the day before. That only leaves two places we have/I want to be on Thanksgiving day.

Christmas...I'm actually really looking forward to Christmas. It's going to be really good this year I think.

Busy weekend

2009-11-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

...all in all a success!

Adeline and I went to Goodwill first thing Saturday morning. I donated a mess of stuff and we shopped too-it was 50% off day. I got some new duds, the kiddo got some new duds and we found some nifty plates and a super cute coffee cup. I really have no idea why it never occurred to me to shop there ages ago. It is ridiculously cheap, and it is fun (to me anyway) digging around to find the good stuff. Apparently I'm not the only one who had the idea to shop though, the place was a madhouse. People were all very civil though, and there were actually two instances that I saw where people went out of their way to do something nice for perfect strangers. Maybe people who shop secondhand are nicer than average-and it seems like the people who work there are nicer than 'regular' stores as well.

Today my mom came over to visit and brought a bag full of clothes and shoes for me-bonus! Most of it is work-type stuff, but I'm getting kinda sick of the jeans and tank wardrobe, so maybe I'll mix it up a bit. Just because I work from home doesn't mean I can't dress up, right? There was much ohhing and ahhing over Adeline's walking and her new teeth.

It seems a day of grocery shopping and the visit from ya-ya wiped the baby out, she's been asleep in her crib since 8:30ish. I do believe I'm going to take advantage of this time with some Häagen-Dazs® and Netflix.

2009-11-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Google,
Please put the reader back the way it used to be. No fair changing things up. Also, will you put the spell checker button back in Blogger? Thanks.

Love,
Beth

***********************************
fv c < Courtesy of Adeline
\
***********************************
My mom is coming over this weekend, I'm so excited to show off new teeth and Adeline walking. Adeline and I are going to go out and about tomorrow-Goodwill is 50% off and I have donations which gets another 20% off, so we could get some smokin' deals. And hopefully I'll have something interesting to talk about.

Writing every day is hard!

2009-11-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

Barbara Kingsolver was on the radio today talking about her new book, I think it is called Lacuna. She mentioned that the main (or a main) character doesn't ever use first person pronouns. I want to go buy the book now and see how she does that.

Sooooooo....what's new? What to talk about....yeah. Nothing is new. Nothing to see here folks, move right along.

Phoning it in

2009-11-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

After an insane day of chores and errands, I'm beat.

Funny thing happened today though. I woke up to the same old smile I've been seeing every morning from my daughter for months and months. Tomorrow, though, I'll be seeing two new teeth in there.

Not sure how she managed it, but she popped one tooth between 8:30 am and 6: 30 pm and there's another one that I'll bet will be popped tomorrow morning.

Sharing is caring

2009-11-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

My poor husband.

I am very particular about how chores get done. Most stuff I don't want him to even touch because he'll do it wrong. Some stuff I'll let him do if I know it won't drive me crazy if he does it his way rather than my way.

Lately though, I've been on turbo mode and a little bit on a power trip. I have a HUGE to-do list, and every time Jake offers to help I tell him no, because I want this stuff done my way. But then there is stuff I do want him to do and I get so aggrivated when he doesn't do it.

It really isn't fair that I get to pick and choose the chores, is it? Or is that my woman's perogative?

First Blood

2009-11-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

We've had our first real injury, and everyone survived intact.

She was playing and fell down; she cried, but it was a regular I Fell Down Cry. I went and picked her up, we cuddled for a second and see seemed fine. I was holding her in my lap and she looked up at me and opened her mouth, and it was full of blood.

Gah!

My first instinct was that I didn't want her to swallow it, so we went to the bathroom to rinse out her mouth. She didn't get what I was trying to do and we ended up with bloody water all over the place.

Turned out she had managed to bit her upper lip. I have no idea how, she doesn't have any teeth, but there was a definate mark. It doesn't seem to be bothering her, and the bleeding stopped amazingly quickly for a mouth wound. It was probably just a little blood, but in my mind it was gushing rivers and it scared the crap out of me.

We survived though, and she's no worse for the wear-neither am I for that matter.

Meh

2009-11-01T12:05:00.001-07:00

I signed up for Nablopomo. One post a day for the entire month of November. No pressure or anything.

First Halloween was...something. She totally fell apart around 6:00 PM and ended up falling asleep, and she slept in her stroller for a couple of hours. Once she woke up, she was shy and fussy for a bit, then she warmed up to the idea of the gathering and seemed to actually enjoy herself.

We never got pictures of her in her costume, so I might put her in it just for the pictures-no one has to know they weren't taken ON Halloween.

In other unrelated news, the budget for November is looking fantastic, and I am super excited. The cable has been cancelled, we don't have the expense of the AC for several months to come and that's freeing up a LOT of income.

In other other unrelated news, I bought a new lock for our mailbox yesterday so we could stop having our mail forwarded to my dad's. I've since lost the keys to the new lock. Aggrivating. And I'm going to feel like a real ass having to admit to the mailman that I have to reinstall another lock because he has to open the master lock for me to pop out the old lock. Embarassing. Updated: Ha! I found the keys. The were on top of the dryer, hidden by some laundry.

In other other other unrelated news, the baby can clap. And she's walking. She still crawls alot of the time, but she's walking on her own when she chooses to. Gads.

You can call me Stumpy

2009-10-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I bought some dessert mix-brownies with chocolte chip cookies. Heaven.

By the time I got home and got dinner started, I was grouchy and rushing, and I used the wrong size pan.

They turned out hard but still more or less edible.

Last night, I wanted my brownie/cookies with some ice cream, so I thought if I warmed up the pan they would soften enough to eat. Well, the pan didn't fit in the microwave. So I decided I'd just carve some out to put in a bowl and heat it up that way.

That didn't go well. I was using a butter knife tryin to cut out a chunk. The knife slipped or something, and I managed to stab myself in the left palm. Fortunately it was a butter knife, so the wound itself is very small, but it seemed to have left a bruise, and it is very uncomfortable to have a bruised palm.

And I did still pry out a serving, and I ate it with ice cream. And it wasn't good enough to make up for my wound.

A hat

2009-10-28T19:43:00.001-07:00

It's going to get cold for at least a day sometime this winter. The baby will need a hat, and me and all of my frugalishness decided instead of buying a hat, I would make her a hat.

Attempt number one was a miserable failure. I used the wrong needles, so it was huge, and since I can't read properly I failed to follow the directions, and it was bad. Attempt number one was unravelled.

Attempt number two was successful, barring the fact that the hat is still huge. I swear I followed the pattern. Anyway. She has a hat, and it's warm, and she can grow into it.

(I'll cut off that extra tail of yarn before she wears it for real)

Movers and shakers

2009-10-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

It is starting.

She's almost walking. She climbs like monkey.

We're doomed. Doomed I tell you.

Disasters

2009-10-24T12:22:00.001-07:00

Ok I get two days off in a row this weekend, so of course I have to do projects. What used to be the unused front room is now the office. We're thinking of turning the old office into a kind of game/tv room, but no official decision has been made yet. Anyhow:

And after:

There's still a disaster in the old office, but I need Jake here to watch the baby to be able to work on that since it is decidedly unsafe. So for now, lunch.

The dada and the baby

2009-10-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

Jake is actually the one who brought up us having a baby. That was surprising to me, I always kinda thought that men said OK to babies to get their wives (or whatever) to leave them alone so they could golf or play video games or something.

Then Adeline was born, and he really struggled with the fact that there just wasn't much he could do for or with her. She needed her mama. It hurt his feelings some I think.

Now. Now though, Jake is a Dad. He's so, so involved, and in ways that I never imagined he would be. He has always liked to pick out her clothes, he loves taking her places, he reads food labels as closely as I do, he absorbs little bits of info I throw out there-stuff I assume he won't really care about-and remembers it, and uses it.

This man was meant to be a Dad. It is hardwired into his very being.

2009-10-21T19:33:00.002-07:00

There are things that stress me out, alot.

Currently on the list:
-Swine flu
-Regular flu
-My friend's dog (long story)
-Money (or the lack thereof)
-This awful training class I'm in for the next week and a half
-I need to take the dogs to the vet
-We're almost out of toilet paper
-I want to go back to school
-etc etc etc

Really, I think that my blood pressure has got to be through the roof right now. I hatehatehate days like this. Rationally, I realize that some of this stuff is either a)out of my control or b)not worth stressing over. I'm just in one of those frames of mind right now that EVERYTHING is a source of stress-the sun went down today, it stressed me out. Blah. How can I come out of having three days off work and be stressed?

What a difference a year makes

2009-10-21T14:01:00.004-07:00

July 30, 2008

July 30, 2009

The Get Out Of Debt Sooner Rather Than Later Plan

2009-10-12T13:51:00.003-07:00

Yesterday's grocery trip cost just over $40.00. I'm thinking with careful planning and LOTS of willpower (and no Coke for me boo), I can get us to a $50.00/week grocery budget. Yeesh, that's not much. But, now that we are out of the hot weather and I don't have to run the AC, we'll have that extra cash, plus what I save on groceries, plus what I will save since I cancelled our cable today...I'm going to be able to make some real and true progress on our debts.

So, here we go on the Get Out Of Debt Sooner Rather Than Later Plan....

Step One:
Write it down!

Write down your debts, and the amounts. Then make a list with them in order from smallest to largest. Pay as much extra that you can each month to the one at the top of the list. First on my list is a medical bill. (This is from Dave Ramsey (the write it down plan, not the medical bill.))

The second thing to write down is a grocery list. I really had no idea how much easier grocery shopping would be if I had a plan. I have started making index cards with 6 or 7 meals listed on them, and on the backs are the ingredients that I need for those meals. On grocery day, I make a list of what I need-and ONLY what I need. This week I made my list off my menu card, and $40 later we are set for the week. Granted we don't have snacks or treats, but that's OK, we can live without that.

Of course ,this is totally showcasing how much of a nerd I am. But I love lists, and writing things down! It is so satisfying. Spreadsheets are so impersonal, and you can't tack them to the wall as a reminder to keep you on track.

Be still my heart

2009-10-09T08:51:00.003-07:00

Last night I got off work and found all of the laundry done, dinner cooked, the dogs fed and the baby bathed.

I have the greatest husband in the world.

Progress

2009-10-01T16:36:00.002-07:00

We did really well on our last shopping trip. Looks like making stuff from scratch will be way cheaper than buying premade stuff (all together now...DUH BETH) and I saved twice as much in coupons but spent half as much money. We got quite a few staples as well, so our next few trips should just be to refill perishables. If I can get myself in the habit of hitting Fresh N Easy's clearance meat more often we'll be golden. So HA giant grocery store chains. HA HA HA. I win.

Bah

2009-09-21T22:43:00.002-07:00

We're going to try an experiment. We're going to try to not buy anything in a can or a jar next time we go to the store.

It's really no wonder so many people in this country is overweight. Everything has salt added. Or the dreaded high fructose corn syrup. Frozen veggies, tuna and canned tomotoes have salt. Spaghetti sauce has salt and high fructose corn syrup. It is ridiculous. I always kind of assumed that a veggie was a veggie, no matter whether or not it was in a can or a freezer, which was really rather dumb on my part. I'm lucky I don't weigh 600 pounds what with my awful eating habits and the fact when I do try to be healthy I end up buying processed foods filled with junk.

So...I'm going to process my own damn food. And I'm going to squirrel away my pennies to get what I need to build a small garden this spring. I doubt my HOA will appreciate it if we bring in farm animals, so I'm going to have to get my milk, chicken and beef from the fancy-pants stores so I can get the organic stuff. Which is going to cost a small fortune. But, I'd rather my daughter not sprout boobs at four, so it is a price I don't mind paying.

Booooring

2009-09-19T16:35:00.002-07:00

After Adeline was born, I decided to do my part to help the economy and let someone else have my job.

We're making it, but barely. Actually that's probably not accurate. We're really doing quite well, it is just that I'm not adapted yet to our new lifestyle, and I feel like we're not making it. (I realize that we're 9 months in to this, I'm a slow learner I guess.)

So some wise friends lent me a book by Dave Ramsey called Financial Peace: Revisited. Seriously, this book is life changing. And Dave Ramsey is brilliant. What he says is so simple, so obvious, and so EASY. It made me feel so much more in control of our finances.

After reading this book, I established some goals, and to get to where we want to be, we are cutting back on some things. Out went the digital cable. My car is next on the chopping block-we have Jake's paid off car, and my dad's truck for me and the baby to use, it makes no sense for us to pay for a car.

The most challenging part of this is the grocery/spending money issue. We were spending a fortune every month on groceries and little extras. I got a pretty good handle on that this month, and my goal is to be 100% on budget in October.

It is insane how difficult it is to rein in food spending. Part of the problem is that I have a bad sweet tooth and Jake tends to indulge my every whim, and the other part of the problem is that Jake doesn't see the big deal in grabbing an energy drink because it's just a couple of bucks-except those couple of bucks add up fast.

We'll see how it goes.

Also, there's another opportunity for us to get a distributing route. The one we were set on before fell through, but there are two possibilities in the future. We're keeping our fingers crossed!

Nine Months

2009-09-17T16:25:00.010-07:00

Nine months. As long out as in (ok, Jake pointed out she was in for nine months and three weeks, thanks hon-next time you can be the pregnant one). This nine months has gone by
much faster than the nine she was cooking.

The first months are a blur. The day she was born is still clear in my mind-the labor and the ride to the hospital. The grapes they gave me right after she was born were the best ones I have ever

eaten. Jake took them all off the bunch so I could eat them one handed-and you know, since then he's been sure to make sure everything is one-handed-edible for me, and I've never once had to ask him to do that. He just automatically does. But, the clear memories pretty much stop there. Everything from the first six months is pretty hazy.

She's so much fun now. It is so hard to imagine having a tiny baby around-what the heck do you do with them? All they do is lay there. Now she interacts-she has wants rather than just needs. It is awesome to see her turn into an actual person rather than just a baby.

She's amazing. Being her mom is amazing. She makes me want to have dozens of other babies, and then I don't want to have any others because I don't want to have to share myself. Is it even possible for another human to exist that is anywhere near as cool as she is?

Her hair is brown, and her eyes are a hazel-ish color. She loves vegetables and Barty the cat. She doesn't appreciate anyone walking away from her. She screams, loudly, if I don't get food in front of her fast enough. She's still breastfed, and not sleeping through the night. She charms everyone she meets, but she's intensely shy-especially around men. She's the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.

And today, on this momentous nine month birthday, she finally, FINALLY popped a tooth. It is this tiny little nub on the bottom, but it is there. She won't be in dentures after all.

Yum yum everything

2009-09-12T22:32:00.007-07:00

It would not be entirely accurate to say that I have food issues, but I am very, very particular. For instance-foods cannot touch. Items on a plate must be kept separate, and if they touch, they don't get eaten. I am fairly picky, and if I don't like it, I won't eat it or anything that it might be in. I am very firm about my food and will only eat on my own terms.

Eating-wise, the kid must take after her father.

We have yet to find something that she won't eat. Recently consumed: chicken, steak, spinach, salmon, tuna, black beans, pasta, non-pureed little green peas, yogurt puffs, banana puffs, watermelon, raspberries and graham crackers. If we put it in front of her, she eats it immediately with no hesitation. She loves food. At this point, she scoffs at Cheerios and prefers throwing them on the floor to eating them. She does, however, enjoy the floor Cheerios she finds later, which makes me wonder if she's intentionally throwing them down for her snacking pleasure.

Offering her food from a spoon is an exercise in futility. She wants to feed herself thank you, and an offered spoon instantly gets chucked (unless there is food on it, then she'll eat the bite prior to chucking the spoon).

Not a day goes by without her amazing me in some way. I had no idea what to expect from this whole being a parent thing, but it seems like it is coming so easily to both Jake and me-it really is very natural to us. I'm loving every second of this and I've never looked more forward to the future than I do now.

I'm in a hurry to get things done

2009-09-03T22:47:00.002-07:00

My dogs are not well trained. I've been knitting for years and have finished two projects. I'm eight years out of high school and have hundreds of hours of college credit but no degree. Patience is not a strength of mine, and I have a tendency to have grand plans and then run out of steam very quickly, especially when the results I'm hoping for don't happen immediately.

Jake and I have some plans. We have some dreams and some goals. And they require work. And sacrifice. This is hard! And frustrating. I keep wanting to throw my hands up and say screw it. So I throw my hands up and say screw it, I give up, I don't want to do this anymore. Then conversations start turning back to these goals, and we start dreaming and once again we start to move forward.

We have the goal-we want to own our own business-but the path to that point is not clear. Or things seem very clear and we run into a seemingly insurmountable road block. It is a very crazy emotional roller coaster, and that is definately not something that I was anticipating when we first started considering the option of being self-employed.

I know that I'm very ready to move forward with this. REALLY ready. The big trick is going to be to figure out exactly HOW. But we're doing this damnit.

This is the best internet radio station I've ever found. It is everything I listened to in high school.

The mean reds

2009-08-28T22:15:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I get down in the dumps. Just blah. It happens frequently enough to make me really aware of it, but not often enough or lasting long enough for me to really want to try to do anything about it. But it is aggravating and decidedly not fun.

During this little phases, I get super discouraged. Everything is the end of the world and nothing will ever be good again. It is bizarre becasue part of my mind knows that I am being irrational but that part cannot overpower the irrational part and take charge. So on top of the general crappiness, I feel like there's two factions battling it out in my head.

The new and exciting things we were anticpating have fallen through, and that is what triggered this recent bout of the Mean Reds. We were super close to something really awesome, and it just isn't going to work out. I'm not taking the disappointment well. The loss of this new and exciting opportunity also means we can't try for another baby. I really had my heart set on this potential new baby, and my heart is a little bit broken that little potential-baby isn't going to be joining us.

Things are fine, probably more than fine really. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I just wish I knew what the grand plan was (I'm not even sure I believe in a Grand Plan).

In which I realize she wants to be an only child

2009-08-25T21:57:00.004-07:00

Night 3: We just won't speak of it again.
Night4: Adeline and I slept on the living room floor. If I tried to move her, she woke up and screamed. If I tried to move me, she woke up and screamed.

So, she wins. I'm just not willing to fight over this. I'm at least mostly able to put her down in her crib, and eventually one day I figure she'll sleep through the night. Until then, I'll just enjoy the extra cuddle time we get when she ends up in bed with us. I'm done getting myself all stressed out over it all.

Night 2

2009-08-21T22:57:00.004-07:00

Adeline and Jake went shopping today, so she was all wired up and not interested in ending her day. When I got off work at eight, she was still in turbo mode. By about nine she was wearing down, and she was in her crib on the third attempt shortly before ten. As of 11 PM she's made a couple of sounds but hasn't woken up. So far so good!

She ended up in bed with us around 1:30. I was just too tired to do the up-down-up-down game with her.

Night 1

2009-08-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

Ehh. Coulda been worse. She was up till 11:45 PM. Finally got her in bed, she stayed till about 2:30 and ended up in with me. She slept till 7:45. One nap today, about an hour. Fifteen minutes in her bed, the rest of it with me on the couch. We'll see how tonight goes.

In which I figure out there really is no instruction manual

2009-08-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I told Jake I wanted to go run some errands when he got home from work. I don't get out much, so he was pretty excited. When he came home, he left the truck running and more or less tried to shove me out the door. It actually took about an hour for me to actually leave because we had to negotiate which one of us would get the baby. I won, so she came with me.

She and I stopped by Ross to snag her some pajamas, since she's managed to out grow all but two pairs. Then we headed over to Barnes and Noble to hit the parenting section. Because, you see, my eight month old is neither sleeping in her crib nor is she sleeping through the night.

The co-sleeping thing had been going great until she learned how to crawl. Now it has evolved into Jake and I losing about fifty percent of our sleeping space to the wall of pillows and blankets we build to keep the Monster in the bed. There's the space issue, and then there's the fact she isn't sleeping through, she wakes up multiple times to eat; I'm convinced it is because I'm right there and that she would not do that in her own space. I just know I feel like crud, and it cannot be healthy for her to not get solid sleep.

So at Barnes and Noble, I picked up On Becoming Babywise. I'd heard about it and based on who I was hearing about it from I assumed it would be in line with our parenting. Upon actually reading the first chapter, however, it was obvious I had been mistaken. The book likens attachment parenting to a form of child abuse, and I got the feeling that the suggestion was that if I did not become Babywise my child would be a horrible evil monster. Granted, we call her Monster, but we mean it in an Elmo or Grover monster way, not an ugly scary monster way. There were some valid and helpful suggestions in there, but I was too put off by what I had read to be able to take them to heart.

One thing that I did figure out, and I can certainly give Babywise the credit: there's not a single book out there that can tell me how to parent my child. Only her dad and I know what is right for her, and for us. Eventually she'll sleep in her bed. We just have to be consistent and patient, and she'll get there. She's got her dada's energy and my stubbornness, so we're definitely in for an interesting ride, but we'll get there.

I have to keep reminding myself: she's a little PERSON not a little ADULT. She has her own ways of doing things, and she deserves for us to let her learn and grow on her own terms. I do need to work on setting some limits, and I'll get better with practice. Hopefully. Or maybe we will have a monster on our hands.

Shut up

2009-08-16T20:40:00.003-07:00

The scene: Jake is at the kitchen table reading the paper. I'm sitting on the couch.

"Did you read this?" he asks.

"What?" I reply.

"Colangelo [rich dude who owns some sports teams here] is bidding for the Olympics to be in Phoenix."

"The summer Olympics?"

Because, you know, it is very likely that Phoenix will be seeing the winter Olympics someday.

Changes

2009-08-05T23:16:00.002-07:00

I'm so excited. We have some things in the works, and they could lead to some pretty significant life changes. And this is totally besides the trying for a baby thing.

I'm so afraid of jinxing us. So for now, we're getting some things together and taking the first steps towards long term career and financial security.

And all of this could very well require both office supplies and a file cabinet. That I could file things in. And how could anything that requires those things be bad? Because office supplies and file cabinets are awesome.

From the other side

2009-07-31T21:15:00.002-07:00

I've lived a charmed life, and while nothing has been spectacularly easy, I have not had huge hurdles or hard times to overcome.

Here and there things happen to make me realize just how fortunate I am.

I went back to work on July 1st. But I work from home. Unless Jake and the baby leave for an adventure, I'm within about 20 feet of them all the time. If I'm needed, I can pop out and help, then pop back in and go back to work. There's no commuting, no daycare. But when I cried on the first day of my job because I'd be away from the baby for eight hours, it occurred to me how truly lucky I was. That there are so many people who would give just about anything to be able to do what I do, but the economics of it just don't work out. And I have days where it is just all too much-the job, the baby, the house, the pets, the husband and I want to run away. And then I feel guilty, because really, who am I to complain?

And then there's the whole trying for a baby thing. This is just a weird situation to be in. I'm constantly wondering if I may be pregnant. When we had our false alarm the other day, it was disappointing to have that negative test. But I noticed how flip we were about it. No biggie, we'll keep trying, and it'll work out. No worries, no stress. I thought about the people out there who aren't so lucky. Who chart and hope and wish, who buy tests in bulk because they would never believe it if only one was positive, because they test every.single.day just in case. How lucky am I to have a perfect kid, and this endless optimism that we'll be able to add as many more as we can?

Either I was a really nice person in a previous life or I'm going to get hit with a doozy of a curve ball one of these days.

False alarm.

2009-07-30T14:28:00.003-07:00

False alarm.

I'm more disappointed than I thought I would be. Jake's really bummed too.

Hmm...

2009-07-28T10:18:00.002-07:00

This morning Adeline and I sat down to have breakfast just like we always do. Except today about half way through, I had a sudden bout of sickness. Sickness that occurred in the morning.

We are in fact trying for another baby, but I really hadn't anticipated it happening quite so fast-I kinda figured it'd take months, not weeks.

If the test comes up positive I'm going to be thrilled. But I think I may not be quite as disappointed as I should be if it isn't.

2009-07-25T19:25:00.003-07:00

It makes me sad that they're already replacing the Billy Mays commercials. Some lady does the voice overs now-and somehow her voice is more annoying than his shouting was.

High hopes

2009-07-15T21:00:00.001-07:00

So I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to write this. It's funny, because I'm married, own a house, have a baby and various pets. I've had a job in some capacity or other since I was fifteen. I'm closer to thirty than twenty five. Yet somehow I don't feel like an adult. I still feel like I'm playing house. Anyway, that makes me feel really odd saying this, but here goes...

We're trying for another baby.

I'm excited and terrified. We've known that we'll have as many kids as possible for as long as those sorts of things became topics of conversation. Jake has four siblings, and I have three. We want a big family, and we want the kids to be close together in age. So, here goes nuthin'.

Housebound

2009-07-03T21:03:00.005-07:00

What a cruddy day. It started out so well. Jake got home from work early and we planned to head out so I could get my hair cut before brother-in-law's wedding tomorrow. Things were going great, the baby took a long nap and we hit the road with high hopes. The hair place said they could get me in at 2:15, but that turned into about 2:40 and that's when the day started to go down hill.

I explained to the stylist that I wanted to lose my long hair and get something short and really layer-y. She gave me short, but there's nary a layer to be found. It is better than it was, but not what I wanted and since a real salon haircut is a rare luxury for me, I just have to live with it.

We headed over to the rehearsal since Jake is in the wedding. That went fine, I ended up hanging out with the pastor's wife-she was so nice, until they were done. It went quickly and we went to hang out with the family until time to leave for dinner.

Somehow the dinner that was supposed to include parents of the bride and groom and the wedding party and their guests turned into a party of nearly sixty people. The bride's family showed up in full force and she was in tears trying to include everyone in the limited space that was available. No one was able to make any decisions about what and when to order, and there was just general chaos. I chose a table away from the crowd to sit, and explained that I wanted to be near the door so if the baby got cranky we could step out easily. But oh no, they insisted I come sit with everyone. Where there were menus, glasses and silverware for her to grab at. Where there were people in her face constantly. I think I sat for about ten seconds before she got fussy. We walked around a bit, and I tried to feed her, but there was just too much going on and she just couldn't focus. And I was really uncomfortable. I'm not good with crowds and I just wanted to be able to enjoy myself and be left alone. Everyone should have been focused on the bride and groom, not the baby. So we left.

Partly because I felt bad because a crying baby isn't fun for anyone, but really mostly because I couldn't cope any more. It was just too much to handle. And seriously, I love my mother-in-law, she is such a nice person, but if she comes up to me one more time with her hands out and asks the baby 'Do you want to come to Grandma?' I am going to scream. No, lady, she doesn't effing want to come to you. Which I know she knows damn well, because she'll tell anyone else who is around that 'the baby is so good, as long as her mom or dad are holding her. ' So why try to take the kid when she KNOWS it'll make the kid cry? Where's the sense in that? She really does mean well, but sometimes I wish she'd just leave us alone every now and then.

This whole having a baby thing has turned me into a real recluse. I was not terribly social before, but now I'll do just about anything in my power to not leave the house. I'll go see my mom, and occasionally I'll actually want to go to the store or something, but other than that I'd really rather just stay home. Jake takes her places, so the baby isn't stuck here all the time. And maybe once she's a bit older things'll change.

It's just so damn hard to try to do anything in public after about five, and the hassle just isn't worth it. Poor kid just went to bed about a half hour ago, she was so over tired and over stimulated and over this day that she just couldn't settle down.

Lesson learned though. I'm not going to try to do anything in the evening any more, not for awhile. It is so miserable and just not worth the fight. And getting a sitter right now isn't a choice. The kid just cries and cries if we leave her with anyone, and I'm not going to do it. I'd be miserable anyway, so it'd defeat the purpose. I'm happy to be with her all the time. Anyway, isn't that what I signed up for when I got pregnant? It's not like I didn't choose this life.

Send some sheep

2009-06-26T22:46:00.004-07:00

The kid won't sleep in her own bed anymore. Seriously? I realize I jinxed myself months ago when I gloated about the fact that she moved from bassinet to crib on my whim with not a single complaint. Yep, that was me shooting myself in the foot.

The current evening routine consists of bath, nursing until she falls asleep, then The Transition. The Transition includes me walking, very carefully and smoothly-can't jostle, all hunched over with my body curled around her to her bed. Then oh so carefully hoisting her up, while still keeping my body curled around her, and laying her in bed,with both hands strategically placed for quick and easy extraction. And nine times out of ten, the second her head touches the crib mattress, her eyes open and she wails. She doesn't fuss, she doesn't just cry, she wails. So I pick her up, and we do steps two and three of the routine again. And again, and again. Sometimes she teases me and will let me get just outside her door before the wailing starts. The kid has to sleep, and so do I, so every night I break down and put her in my bed. In my bed she sleeps, sometimes all the way through without waking up (Ha! Not five minutes after I typed that sentence she woke up. Just shot myself in the other foot).

This is maddening. I don't believe that babies can manipulate, so there has got to be a reason for this. We don't cry it out around these parts either, so that's not a possible solution.

Huh. So she woke up (from my bed) and I fed her, and laid her on the couch. She's asleep on the couch now. And she will sleep in my bed alone just dandy. There's got to be something going on with her room or her bed...Tis a mystery for now. But damnit it'd better not be for long. I so dearly want to sleep with a pillow again.

Creepy Crawlies

2009-06-19T22:14:00.003-07:00

We have an ant problem.

Somehow, though, there are no ants in my kitchen. Or in the garage where we keep the pet food. No, the ant problem started with ants in my bed. IN. Not cool. I woke up one morning and there were ants in my bed. There is not food in my bed. Well, I am considered food for an infant, but I'm thinking that's probably not a typical lure for ants. A liberal sprinkling of cinnamon inside and some bug killer outside took care of the ants, and we all lived happily ever after.

Ha! Not happily ever after after all! There's ants in our office now. I must have offended them by caulking up the hole they were using to get into the bedroom, so they've focused their energy on the office. Again, there's no food in the office. They really just seem to be milling around aimlessly. I've got cinnamon on the floor now, and Jake promised to spray outside. I haven't figured out yet where they're coming from, but I will and I'll caulk that hole too. Can't wait to see where they decide to infiltrate next. Stupid ants.

Too soon!

2009-06-15T23:25:00.004-07:00

So Adeline nearly crawled tonight. She's not quite there, but the connections are being made. Kid can't sit on her own, but she's getting mobile.

On another note, I have a Google search! Someone searching for Mama Beth Bling stopped by. Looks like she has some cute stuff if you're in the market for jewelry.

Poopsicles

2009-06-12T10:22:00.002-07:00

I'm so mad right now I could spit.

In September of 2007 I bought a Gateway laptop from Best Buy. Shortly thereafter, the monitor started to flicker, and then it would go out completely. I took it back to Best Buy, and they sent it in for repair. That happened twice more. This February, it happened again, but the store warranty had expired. Gateway advised me that the unit was still covered under their warranty, so I sent it in at my expense for repair.

Guess what happened a few days after the 90-day warranty on the most recent repair expired? Yep. The monitor broke. And guess what company won't talk to you if your machine is not under warranty? Yep. Gateway.

So, now what? Gateway won't stand behind their product or their previous workmanship. I have sent two emails to them, both of which they've tagged as solved but never took any action on. I spoke to an online technical help person but that was useless since I don't need technical help, I need customer service. Customer service won't talk to me because my machine isn't under warranty any more. Funny, I never realized that being a customer of a company had an expiration date.

I'm going to write a letter to Best Buy to let them know they are selling a product with such inferior customer service. I'm also going to have to buy a monitor for the laptop and hope that it works. And I'm probably going to have to pay Gateway to fix my computer, since that will still be cheaper than buying a new one. In the meantime, I'll be saving my pennies to buy a new laptop. One that WILL NOT be a Gateway or an Acer.

Home Again

2009-06-03T21:25:00.003-07:00

Ah home sweet home. We survived! And it actually went pretty well. We pulled up to Jake's mom's house minutes before the new baby came home. The drama seems to have abated, which is a very good thing, the new baby is healthy and beautiful, and no one tried to keep my kid away from me.

Jake's mom is so kind, and she gave up her bedroom for us. It was really, really nice having privacy and a bathroom right there. Adeline wouldn't let anyone other than me hold her, not even her dad most of the time. We got to hang out with the new baby, Great Grandma, and some friends and other family. She was totally happy if I held her though, so that's what I did. She really seemed to like her almost-uncle S, but he just interacted with her, he never tried to hold her (which is probably why she liked him so much).

We succeeded in totally upsetting Aunt E and almost-Uncle S's dog. She'd never seen a baby before and was quite disturbed by the little loud human I was carrying. To make matters worse for her, we put the diaper bag in the car seat and put it on the floor near Jenny's toys and poor Jenny got all territorial, and since she smelled the baby on that stuff she didn't like me because I smelled like the baby. At least I'm hoping that's what it was, I'm generally very good with animals.

Last night Jake got some real and true laughs out of Adeline, it was awesome. I was holding her facing away from me, and I walked up and made her 'kick' Jake in the stomach. She kinda giggled at that, so we did it again, but the second time Jake went backwards and flailed his arms like he was falling. She thought it was the best game ever and she laughed and laughed. So far she's really only laughed at me tickling her, and that's hit or miss, so that was really exciting for Jake. And today she hung out with him for a good part of the morning and again after we got home. It seems like the game playing was almost a turning point in their relationship. Seeing his soft, silly side like that was awesome for me as well. Little moments like that remind me why I want to have dozens of kids with this man.

The dogs haven't moved out but their beds are one tantrum away from the trash. They also killed a book of sudoku puzzles. Really though, they did well. I'm not ready to break down their crates just yet, but I think soon they'll graduate to just being in the house when we're gone with no worries. (Someone stayed at the house while we were gone, but she wasn't here ALL the time; we didn't just leave the dogs home alone for two days.)

All in all, the trip was a total success. Adeline survived the dreaded car seat with only one stop on the way up and two on the way home. The dogs didn't eat my house and the cats didn't kill each other. Jake got a much needed vacation, and I'm even considering going up on my own here pretty soon. Now I have to go prove to the baby that she is quite capable of sleeping in her crib. Two and a half weeks of almost exclusive co-sleeping has thrown a wrench in our night time routine.

Gone Fishing

2009-05-31T19:54:00.004-07:00

Okay, so I just spent the last two weeks at my mom's while she went on a cruise with her Gentleman Friend. It went fairly well baby-wise, but man oh man am I glad to be home. I missed my squishy pillowtop mattress. And my side-by-side washer and dryer. Her dishwasher is pretty cool though, and oh my god her vacuum is the coolest thing ever. Now I want one. Such is the state of my life that I spend so much time thinking about appliances. I've got to get out more.

That being said...We are taking our first overnight out of town trip tomorrow! So far the baby has a whole big bag, her big diaper bag and I still need a toys bag. I haven't even started packing for Jake and me. We're only going to be gone two nights and I have more luggage than my mom did for her 16 day vacation.

We're going to go see Jake's little brother and his new baby. There's a bit of drama surrounding this whole situation so I have no idea how this trip will go. I am hoping that everyone is so excited by the newest baby and distracted by the drama that Adeline will be kinda ignored. She just doesn't do so great with people other than me or Jake, and it makes me feel bad when people want to hold her and she'll have none of it. And I know that the out of town family doesn't get to see her much, but I don't get why they insist on hanging on to her when she's screaming. I'd understand if she was colicky or something and she would cry no matter who held her, but I'm not going to let my kid scream for me because someone wants to hold her when I know she'll be fine as soon as she's with me again. So there.

Hopefully the dogs won't stage a mutiny while we're gone. I know they're not pleased right now because I've been gone for two weeks, and to have both Jake and I leave might just push them over the edge. The cats are being typical cats-they know something's up and they're doing their best to trip me. Apparently their strategy is to break my neck so I can't go anywhere.

Swimming!

2009-05-28T12:48:00.005-07:00

We took Baby Cakes swimming yesterday. It took us longer to get ready to go than it took us to actually swim. I'm pretty sure Jake put over half of the tube of sunscreen on her, and even after being in the pool and having a bath she still smells like Aveeno Baby.

We were only in the water for fifteen minutes or so. It was too windy and there were some ominous looking clouds moving in.

I was pretty sure going into it that she'd hate the whole experience. She doesn't dig cold water-her baths have to be really warm for her to be happy. But, she had a great time. She kicked and splashed and wasn't scared. Jake and I both managed to have her face drop into the water just a bit which didn't phase her in the least. All in all, it was fun and something we'll be doing again.

A better me

2009-05-04T20:39:00.004-07:00

Lots of the moms in the blogging world talk often about losing their baby weight. Some of them have four-month-olds, others have four-year-olds. The forum I participate in has an entire section devoted to health. Since I didn't gain all that much weight when I was pregnant (about 40 pounds), most of it came right off after Baby Cakes was born, and what was left was easily hidden under my winter wardrobe. Jake complimented my 'new' body, and I felt just dandy. I didn't feel the pain of all of these other moms.

And then it got hot. And my clothing options were suddenly drastically reduced.

So now I have a new evening routine. Baby goes to bed, I hang out to make sure she's really asleep, then the dogs and I take off. We started with a couple of walking laps around the block, and tonight I added two laps jogging. I'm proud of myself. And even though I've only been doing this for a few days, I feel better. I feel happier, have more energy during the day, and I sleep better at night. Tonight I was only out for about 20 minutes, so I need to work on increasing that, but baby steps, right?

Germs!

2009-04-30T21:38:00.003-07:00

I'm not a hypochondriac and I'm not a germophobe. But when stories start airing about scary illnesses that are pandemic! I start to get a little weird.
.
Yesterday I attacked the house with a bucket of bleach water. No doorknob or lightswitch was safe. The top of my kitchen cabinets and the fridge are now disinfected. Of course, I ran out of steam so neither bathroom has been cleaned which may have defeated the purpose.

Jake was sent to work yesterday with a pocket sized container of hand sanitizer, and shoes are banished from the house. I insist he washes his hands the second he walks in the door. Overboard much?
.
There's two forces at work here, and neither one of them are necessarily positive. First off, I'm taking everything the media says to heart. They throw around their scary words and I fall for it hook, line and sinker. Secondly, I'm an awfulizer. I inherited that trait from my dad, and it enables me to see the absolute worst case scenario all.the.time. My logical side reminds me of SARS, Bird Flu, West Nile and all of the other Horrible Diseases that were supposed to wipe out humanity, all of which seemed to flare up and then were controlled. My awfulizing side says that we need to start stocking up on bottled water and canned food.

So tomorrow I'll finish shampooing the carpet (with vinegar in the water-it's antibacterial!) and sanitizing the bathrooms. It makes me feel better, I'm doing something about a situation I have aboslutely no control over. Then I'm going to enjoy my clean house and turn off CNN and play with the baby. And try not to worry so much.

New standards

2009-04-27T09:32:00.005-07:00

I remember years ago telling a friend of mine who had a baby that if my kid had a poop blow out that soiled clothing, the outfit in question would go straight in the trash. The idea of washing poopy clothes in the washer that would go on to wash my own clothes was just horrifying.

Just goes to show you that at some point we all have to eat our words.

See this? This is a stack of cloth diapers. As in diapers that my kiddo poops in that I then wash in the washer that also washes all of my other clothes. And I'm HAPPY about it. There is not a single disposable diaper in my house. It is awesome.

Choking hazard

2009-04-23T14:14:00.004-07:00

Baby Cakes seems to have grown a rather violent dislike for her carseat. If we can get her in there when she's sleeping or very tired, all is well. If she's not sleeping/tired then car rides are not so much fun.

I was telling some friends how much she hates her carseat and how difficult that makes running errands by myself. M gave me her Hot Sling to try out to see if the baby'd do better with that. (All the while probably scoffing at my ineptitude, considering she's got three boys 5,3,2 and she runs errands all the time with them and no other adult assistance.)

I decided to try it out the other day and utter madness ensued. M had shown me the theory behind the sling, but the baby was sleeping so she didn't have a way to demonstrate. So I folded the thing like I'd been shown and got the baby in. Seemed like her legs were all scrunched up, and I just didn't imagine she was very comfortable. So I decided to take her out and try again, but somehow, I'd managed to get her wedged in there in a way that I couldn't get her out. Apparently the baby realized that she was stuck at the same moment that I did, and she loudly protested her situation, and I couldn't convince her that I could problem-solve much better with peace and quiet. After much squirming, tugging, and sucking in, I was able to pull her out of the bottom of the sling. Considering that this sling holds the baby from the bottom, this was quite a feat and both Baby Cakes and I were just a bit traumatized.

Since I'm not one to pass up an opportunity to use free stuff, I tried again a few days later, and guess what? This thing is awesome! Way more user-friendly than my fake Moby Wrap, and cuter too. The baby seems to enjoy it quite a bit and oh crap I was supposed to email M the instructions for the fake Moby Wrap days and days ago and I have to go bye

Updates

2009-04-22T21:25:00.003-07:00

Baby Cakes had her four-month appointment on Monday. She's up to 13 pounds, 26 inches and 16 inch head circumference. Yay for growing! As Elmo would say, So Big! We're supposed to wait until she's six months to start solids, which was my secret hope. I love nursing her, and it'll make me a little sad to have that not be her only source of food.

We stopped by the library on the way home. There was actually a crowd waiting for it to open, which I thought was kinda cool. I got two books, we'll see if I can actually read them before they're due. I owed thirty dollars in late fees-whoops. And I think they were all for Anna Karenina, which I didn't actually finish. I could have BOUGHT three books for that much. Maybe I am better off buying books than I am going to the library. Oh well.

I babysat for some friends on Saturday night. They have three boys, and are more or less my parenting role models. Their oldest, N, was soooo good with the baby. I had her laying on a blanket on the floor, and he spent the evening sitting by her. She seemed to enjoy his company, and if she'd fuss he'd talk to her and she'd calm down. When it was time to go to bed he was worried that she'd miss him. I think the kids were dissapointed that Jake didn't come along (he was at Nascar with his brother) because he makes fart jokes and builds fantastic forts. According to their mom, even though it has been nearly a year since we were there last, they STILL talk about Jake-and he's only been there the one time. Hopefully we can go back soon, I love hanging out with those kids, and their parents are pretty cool too.

Other than that, our lives are pretty much same ol' same ol'. Jake works like a madman and I hang out at home with the kid. She gets more and more interesting every day, and her personality is really starting to come through.

I see a lot of Jake in her. She has his ears (which may not be such a good thing, hehe). But she also seems to have inherited his facial expressions, which is very funny to me. She seems to have a bit of an anti-social leaning, which is most certainly my influence. She doesn't dig people she doesn't know-even to the point if someone other than me or her dad talks to her, she may very well scream.

We have gotten to the point where Jake believes she actually loves him, which I am grateful for (as is he). I used to be her one-and-only, and now she absolutely lights up when he is around. She can be Fussy McFussypants for hours, and as soon as he walks in the door she just glows. There are actually times now where I can't make her happy and if Jake takes her, she's content as can be. Watching their relationship grow is so much fun, even though sometimes I do get jealous.

Sad

2009-04-14T17:36:00.003-07:00

Today a beautiful baby girl's life was celebrated. I didn't know her, or her family. But I thought about them all day today.

If you wander around the world of mommy bloggers, you'll see that many of us have gone purple. Those who knew the family, and those like me who didn't. Because we are all in this together.

You can donate to the March of Dimes in Maddie's memory if you'd like. It really can make a difference-donate in memory of Maddie Alice Spohr.

A few of my favorite things...

2009-04-10T19:28:00.003-07:00

Here are the top five favorites from my feed list. These ladies remind me that parenthood is never easy but always worth it.

Tiff and Kids. This is the first blog I found. She's an amazing mother faced with the challenge of losing a son, raising a sick little girl, being a stay at home mom and having two sons that weren't orginally hers. She's honest and funny and a joy to read. I've found myself attached to her littlest kids, the oh-so-cute twins.

Amy and her two boys who are ridiculously cute. She's hilarious,-laugh out loud quality. She's had some challenges with her oldest and her way of handling things is refreshing.

Kristen offers a brutally honest look at her life with her husband and three kids. She reminds me that being mama isn't always pretty, and being a wife isn't always easy.

Jenna who has a kiddo just one day older than mine. She's the girl I wish I could have been friends with in high school, but she's waaay cooler than me. A little funny, a little sarcastic and so much fun to read.

Tanis is a Canadian mama with four kids-three here with her and one in heaven. She's the mom I hope I can be. I love how she writes about her kids, the love practically oozes out of my monitor.

There are lots of other bloggers in my reader. It was tough to narrow it down to five favorites. I find myself reading the ladies listed above and often nodding and thinking 'me too!' I enjoy having the privilege of getting to peek into their lives when they update.

How 'bout you? Who are some of your favorite bloggers?

Around the world in 80 clicks

2009-04-05T15:33:00.002-07:00

To join in on Around the World in 80 Clicks, I’m supposed to come up with five things I love about motherhood. Currently, I am sitting on my bed with a pounding headache. It is 3:12 PM and I showered about an hour ago. I’ve only been wearing pants for about 20 minutes because the baby threw a snit fit before I could get dressed. I still haven’t combed my hair. So, perhaps now is not the best time to try to come up with five things to love about motherhood.

I love knowing now what it means to have my heart swell. Since my kiddo has been born, my heart has swelled with pride-she said mmmmm! She rolled over! My heart is constantly swollen with love. It is a pleasantly full feeling that hasn’t gone away since the day she was born.

I love that motherhood has made me notice the new buds on the tree in my backyard. Because the baby and I discuss we see out the windows every morning when we open the blinds, I’ve actually noticed the tree is budding. I don’t think I had even looked at that tree more than once before she came along. I’ve had to slow down, take the time to look around, and notice what is going on. Constantly narrating everything that I see and do has made me so much more aware of the world around me, and just how wonderful and fascinating it can be.

I love that motherhood has made me a better wife. Before baby, if we had a conflict usually we’d just both walk away, cool off and then forget about it. Nothing ever got resolved. Now, we talk. If I get angry, I will explain why and how next time things can be different so that I might not be angry. I apologize when I am wrong, I listen to find out what Jake needs or wants. Because I don’t want my daughter to think dysfunctional is normal, I will make sure she learns from me how to communicate, and that is forcing me to communicate with Jake, talk it out.

I love how excited I am for tomorrow, and at the same time how much I live for today. Every second for me is a chance for a hug, a cuddle, a glance, a smile, a conversation. And I think about all of those things being stored away in my baby’s memory, I think about her filing away the kisses and the words and knowing she’s safe and loved. I can’t wait for her to be bigger, to talk and walk and run and to use the memories of the feelings of being safe and loved to give her confidence to go on out there and know she’s got me to come back to when she falls.

I love that thinking about how much I love being someone’s mama makes the fact that I don’t shower until two in the afternoon and sometimes don’t brush my hair every day totally not matter in the big picture.

And I love that now I’m going to go cuddle up to my sleeping three (almost four) month-old and take a nap. And not feel guilty about it. I guess it was the perfect time to think of the things I love about being a mom.

**I’m tagging Tiff at My Three Ring Circus, she’s from Austrailia

The Blind Leading the Blind

2009-03-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

I have always been ‘the smart one’. In school, I was a choice pick for group projects, my classmates knew I would do my share (or more) of the work. The smarter kids were happy to have me because I’d pull my weight and the slacker kids wanted me because they knew I’d pull theirs. At all of my various jobs I became a go-to person because I was able to learn the ins and outs of a position, understand how it worked in the big picture, and I could help others in a way that didn’t make them feel small or stupid. I retain information like a sponge, and therefore, I know stuff. Lots of stuff-important stuff, random trivia. Sometimes I can come across as very knowledgeable because I know some key pieces of information, but I am in no way an expert on anything.

At times, my ‘smarts’ would make people come to me seeking advice, either work related or personal-life related. I am fortunate in that my mom has taught me how to allow people to come to their own conclusions. By listening to someone, then repeating back what they have said, I’ve been lucky that those asking me for advice are often able see their issue in a new light and come up with their own solutions. I am rarely tempted to actually advise someone to take a certain path.

Since I have become a parent, I am running into difficulties with not offering ass-vice. With my previous desire to never advise for fear of leading someone in the wrong direction, this is a strange new development. I have to remind myself to bite my tongue more often than not now.

This is particularly difficult because my best friend is pregnant. She’s due in September with what we are pretty sure is a baby boy. She lives with us because her situation isn’t ideal. I’m dangerously close to loosing the tip of my tongue with as hard as I have to bite it when she talks about her situation with the baby’s father. She’s making choices I don’t agree with, but it IS NOT MY PLACE to say anything. I am not her. Her life and her choices are her own. But damn it to hell, I think she’s wrong about many of the choices she’s making.

Then there’s the actual parenting issue. My BF seems to think I am all-knowing when it comes to child rearing. I’ve been saving items for her-some things that my baby has grown out of, other things that I simply didn’t like or find useful. If I ask her if she wants them, she asks if I liked them and bases her decision on my answer. Take the baby tub for example-I used it once and hated it. So, when I asked her if she wanted it, she said no, because “If you didn’t like it, I won’t either.” Cue me pounding my head against a wall. Just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean she won’t, but I can’t convince her of that. She watches me with Baby Cakes and I can tell she’s making mental notes. I’ve chosen my method of parenting (mostly attachment). So she’s chosen attachment, purely based on the fact that I’m doing it. I researched and cherry picked bits and pieces of different things, as well as just going with my instincts and some advice from my mom when I chose my parenting style. She’s just going along with what I do because somehow, since I’m ‘the smart one’ I must know best. I feel like a walking piece of ass-vice without even opening my mouth.

It is a tricky situation to be in right now. Part of me wants to jump in and tell her exactly how I think she should handle her relationship with the baby daddy. Another part of me wants to hide my parenting opinions and choices so she chooses her own path. I feel so conflicted and frustrated. I’m either biting off my tongue to keep my opinions to myself or sounding like a bibliography hoping she’ll seek out her own resources and not just listen to me.

Such a fine line to tread, offering support versus ass-vice. I would feel differently if Baby Cakes was an adult and a functioning member of society. But since this is my first baby-raising endeavor, we have a blind leading the blind situation going on here and I’m not comfortable with it. My way is most decidedly not necessarily the right way, no matter how smart I seem to be.

Not going to do that again any time soon

2009-03-19T14:03:00.003-07:00

With our new one-income status, I've become very aware of ways to save money. With our newish status as an actual family, I've become very aware of the need to get in the habit of having sit-down meals.

I sat down this week with the grocery store ads, coupons and my recipes and made out a grocery list, as well as a plan for five meals. It took me four days.

Today, I decided to tackle the bulk portion of my list and go to Sam's Club. With the baby. She and I have been to Fry's and Target with little incident alone, so I figured this would be cake. I let her take her morning nap, fed her, and off we went. She did fine for a bit. We ran into a group with a seven-week old (two men, one woman and the baby...not sure of the dynamic there) and we chatted. They offered to let me shop with them in case I needed help. That was so kind, but my social anxiety kicked in and I declined, and spent the remainder of the time I was there avoiding them, especially when the baby got fussy.

And oh did the baby get fussy. I ended up sitting on the floor across from the tuna fish and canned chicken to feed her. She wasn't pleased with the setup, mostly because she hates the nursing cover, and screamed bloody murder and tried to rip the cover off. I gave up on that, and discovered if I pushed the cart really fast, she was happy. So I decided the baby not screaming was more important than the safety of the other shoppers and she and I zoomed around Sam's as fast as I could go. With the two forty pound containers of cat litter and the fact I was wearing flip-flops, this was decidedly not safe. Fortunately, there were no collisions. I finished up and we went to check out, and she had a meltdown.

The cashier at the register next to mine had hearing aids, and my kid's screaming was clearly making it impossible for him to hear. The people he was helping were getting annoyed, I was getting frantic, the baby was hysterical...Thank god the next customer for the other cashier was a mom with a four-ish year-0ld, a baby on the way and the patience of a saint. My cashier flew through my items and had us totalled out in record time. I got outside, the baby quit crying, and the other mom came over to let her son say hello to the baby. He informed me that the baby was crying because she wanted to play ball. Cute kid, and his mom was super nice and made me feel less like a failure as a parent and a menace to society and more like outings like this happen to all parents and I should laugh it off.

Lesson learned: I am not going back to Sam's without a better list, a helper and a flask. Just kidding about the flask. Sort of.

And oh, ye gods. I still have to go to Fry's to get the rest of my groceries.

It's So Easy

2009-03-16T22:53:00.003-07:00

I have it easy. I keep getting little reminders about how hard life can be, and those reminders show me just how lucky I am.

Jake is a loving, attentive father. He adores the baby, he works 12+ hours a day sometimes so that I can be a stay at home mom. He is open to the idea of more kids, which I want so very much.

The baby is a doll and a joy. Of course, all babies are a joy, but some are harder than others. My baby is easy. She cries for food or for diaper changes, and other than that she's happy as a clam.

My life is charmed, for sure. I just hope that even when things are a little difficult, I can remember that, and be grateful.

Live Blogging!

2009-03-15T12:05:00.002-07:00

Boring as all heck, but I'm trying to keep myself motivated.

12:06 PM: The list--
*Weeds-front and back yards*Master bedroom closet--finish floor *Master bathroom recaulk*Master bathroom cleaning*Clean master bedroom*Paint master bedroom trim*Clean kitchen-paint pantry shelves*Clean living room*Make grocery list*Go grocery shopping*Paint Baby Cakes's trim*Organize office*Paint office trim*Paint laundry room*Organize hall closet*Clean living room*

9:51 PM. I suck at live blogging. Oh well. Not my fault, the internet was out all day.

*Weeds-front and back yards*Master bedroom closet--finish floor *Master bathroom recaulk*Paint master bedroom trim*paint pantry shelves*Make grocery list*Go grocery shopping*Paint Baby Cakes's trim*Paint office trim*Paint laundry room*Organize hall closet*

So I missed my deadline. Oh well, I got tons done and my house looks AWESOME. I'll finish up tomorrow. I even managed to go through the baby's clothes and pull out the 6-9 month stuff and sort out what I didn't like to go to Jake's brother, who is expecting his baby girl in May. Or June. Or something.

Photographic Friday

2009-03-13T20:18:00.006-07:00

Baby Cakes has had a day of no naps and she's to the point she's so tired she won't let herself sleep. I had finally, finally gotten her to fall asleep in my arms on the couch. I oh so carefully stood up and started walking towards her room. I had that whole step-swing-bounce-step thing going on. Then...The theme to Pimp My Ride came on. Bing! Her eyes popped open and she gave the little happy-baby wiggle. It is her most favorite show, and she Adores Xibit-yes, that's Adores-with a capital A. Sigh.

***
I love, love, love craigslist. I scored a pack-n-play AND a new dining room table for less than our original dining room table budget was.

***
The list-updated:
*Weeds-front and back yards*Master bedroom closet--finish floor *Master bathroom recaulk*Master bathroom cleaning*Clean master bedroom*Paint master bedroom trim*Clean kitchen-paint pantry shelves-clean out pantry-clean out fridge and freezer-organize cabinets*Clean living room*Make grocery list*Go grocery shopping*Paint Baby Cakes's trim*Organize office*Paint office trim*Paint laundry room*Organize hall closet

So progress is being made. I got all of our laundry done today. And if Baby Cakes will sleep like a normal child (Hi Angelique-glad to see mine isn't the only non-napper out there!) tomorrow I'll be able to get lots done. Fingers crossed!

Things to do in Phoenix...

2009-03-12T22:54:00.003-07:00

When your husband has a day off...

So many things to do, so little time. We spent today on the quest for a kitchen table. No luck. They're so expensive! So tomorrow I'll check out craigslist for tables.

Things I also want to get done (but I'm giving myself till Sunday night):
*Weeds-front and back yards
*Master bedroom closet--finish paint, finish floor and organize
*Master bathroom recaulk
*Master bathroom cleaning
-inside cabinets/medicine cabinet
*Clean master bedroom
-find place for stereo
*Paint master bedroom trim
*Clean kitchen
-paint pantry shelves
-clean out pantry
-clean out fridge and freezer
-organize cabinets
*Clean living room
*Put bassinet away
*Find a table
*Make grocery list
*Go grocery shopping
*Paint Baby Cakes's trim
*Organize office
*Paint office trim
*Paint laundry room
*Fix hall closet doors
*Organize hall closet

I have this need to get my house in order. Transitioning to being a SAHM has not been as easy as I thought it would.

See, I quit my job. We had decided long ago that as long as Jake's job could support us, I'd stay home with the kid. I loved the concept and I couldn't wait. Now that it is a reality, I fee guilty. I have a grand total of one friend who stays home. And she has three kids. And has been married for six years. She is a Mom. With a capital M. I feel like a kid playing house.

So I want to get my house in order. Get on top of everything and do my damnedest to keep it that way.

We'll see how it goes.

Married!

2009-03-08T00:18:00.006-07:00

We did it! We got married. Yay!

It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The license-getting was successful. We went to the wrong building at first, but the very nice man at the Information Desk gave us a map and we got our marriage license, got our rings and even got lunch without a hitch (no pun intended). The baby was a doll and very cooperative. She loved the jewelry store where we got our rings and just grinned. I have no idea what made her so happy, but it was too cute to watch her.

We had a couple of hours at the house, then we were off to the court for the ceremony. We got there early enough to be first in line. There were lots of other families there, I think our group was the smallest. The judge's assistant was not exactly proficient in English, and it was definitely interesting as she tried to give us instructions as to what we were supposed to be doing. We got called into the courtroom, and there was quite a bit of confused milling around. The baby was about done at this point, and I was hoping I'd be able to hang on to her during the ceremony. No such luck on that one. The judge pointedly but politely asked me who'd be holding the baby. I gave her to my dad, who came in his wheelchair and was decked out in a suit and tie. She was not pleased. My little brother took her, which wasn't any better. I kept looking away from Jake and miming suggestions to get her to stop crying. I'm sure I looked like a huge dope standing there bouncing up and down trying to convey to my poor kid brother what to do to console her. He ended up having to take her outside. The judge got to the part where he asks the witnesses to confirm that they believed we should be married, and he got the names mixed up. He asked Jake's brother if he believed that Jake should marry R, who was my witness. There was dead silence in the room. I corrected the judge (awkward!) and after much rereading of notes and general confusion, he figured out what he had done and things went on. It was nice comic relief. The judge went on with a speech about how we were a corral and how we needed to keep the wolves at bay. I'm not so sure what that was all about.

All in all, the ceremony was absolutely perfect. The judge was kind and seemed to really enjoy marrying us. I really, really appreciated him and his good humor, mistakes and all.

I have a beautiful heirloom ring from Jake's great grandmother to wear along with my wedding band.

So starts my life as a married woman. I don't really feel any different. I expected to for some reason, but I feel like me still. Jake has been showing his ring off to everyone. He says he feels different, but hasn't been able to explain exactly how.

I do know this: I have married a great man. He loves me, he loves our child, and he loves us as a family. I love him back, with all my heart. I am happy.

Gettin' Hitched

2009-03-05T22:26:00.005-07:00

I have my laptop back! And better than ever. I so missed it.

Jake and I are getting married tomorrow. Exciting, no?

Ehhh. I'm actually kind of dreading it. Our original plan was for his brother and my mom to be our witnesses at the Justice of the Peace. Then Jake's dad found out. And more or less insisted he be present. Then his mom found out his dad was coming, so we couldn't leave her out. And I forgot that ages ago I agreed to hang out with my dad (he's recovering from a couple of strokes and needs someone with him 24/7) for the evening so my brother (who lives with my dad and is his primary care-person) could go to a friend's birthday party. I had to invite my mom, since all the other parents are attending. So our nice mellow wedding day has the potential to become a disaster.

The plan for tomorrow is as follows: wake up, go get wedding license, go get wedding rings, come home and get as much done as possible for the barbeque Jake has planned to celebrate on Saturday (a whole 'nother issue), go pick up my dad, go to the court house. Wait our turn. Get married. Did I mention that our two and a half month old will be with us during all of this?

Blah. I'm stressed. The whole point of doing the courthouse wedding was to have it done with no muss, no fuss. Jake and I are just not wedding people. Not to mention the fact his brother is getting married in July. Seems to me we should all be showering that happy couple with attention right now. Jake and I had our moment in the spotlight when we had the baby. It is time to move on folks. The show is over. Nothing to see here!

I'm going to try to remember to take the camera to document the day tomorrow, so I can do a fun Photo Friday.

Dumb

2009-03-03T21:37:00.006-07:00

Ahhh the Internet. I have been without a computer. Sob. It was truly horrible. I am on my roommate's computer right now, and my laptop will be returned-hopefully repaired-tomorrow.

Baby Cakes is REACHING for and GRABBING objects. My not-yet-three-month-old. Holy cow. I'm so impressed with her, and I'm so excited.

Tonight I had a Dumb Mama moment. When I went to check on Baby Cakes, it was too dark to see her, so I placed my hand on what I thought would be her stomach. It felt oddly puffy. So I patted around and realized I was feeling her bum, not her belly. Ohmygodthebabyrolledover! Then I was kind of hurt, since she'd finally managed to roll over when I WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT. Then panic. The baby rolled over. From her back to her belly. Unsafe unsafe unsafe! SIDS! Who do I call? My mom? The doctor? What do I do? So I rolled her back onto her back and went to call...who? Still hadn't figured that one out. While I was staring at my phone hoping it would dial the number I needed without my input, it occurred to me that I had put the baby to sleep on her side tonight. Not her back. She hadn't rolled over. She had just kind of tipped. Dumb.

Not Baby Related

2009-02-16T21:41:00.003-07:00

I got my nails done today. They are all shiny and long and fake. And I can't do a damn thing. I broke a cork in half opening a wine bottle. With a fancy smancy corkscrew that makes that all but impossible.

Yeah. My fingers hurt. The drilly filer thingy managed to nick ALL of my fingers. That is to say, the lady operating the torture device managed to knick ALL of my fingers.

On a brighter note, we had sushi for dinner. Oh my do I love me some sushi. It was expensive, but wonderful and oh so nice to eat dinner out at a place that does not provide a meal on a plastic tray.

I pissed Jake off this afternoon because I was 'rude' to him. Again. I was on the phone with my little brother, and Jake wanted to see my nails. And I made a face at him. And it was not a nice face. And I feel like a jerk. Because he knew how much I wanted to get my nails done. Because he was just trying to show an interest in something that I was excited about. Beth=jerkhead.

Something else to work on. Why did I ever think being in a relationship was easy?

Balance

2009-02-16T00:50:00.007-07:00

We're only eight weeks in to this whole parenting thing. It is new to us, and we're still figuring out the new balance. I stay home with Baby Cakes, Jake works. My dream come true. This is all I have ever wanted.

But...I NEVER leave the house. I have gone out one time sans baby. To Target. To buy baby stuff.

Jake goes out quite often. To visit friends, to run errands-often not baby related. To go to the desert to do whatever.

I'm jealous.

Tonight he asked if he could go out to the desert to commune with nature. Again. He went two days ago. I had been hoping to go get my nails done. Selfish? Maybe. But really. I just wanted two or three baby free hours. But I was not able to say that to him. I got quiet, started getting really focused on what I was reading-more or less giving him the silent treatment Eventually I got around to explaining to him that I get a little jealous sometimes. He said he will stay home, that I can go get my nails done. But now it has a bitter taste. I feel guilty now, because it seems like because I want to get my nails done he can't go out. And he said he'll take the baby for a drive while I get my nails done. No, I don't want him to drive the baby. I want him to stay home with her. See what it is like for me all day, every day. To realize that a fussing baby cannot be solved with a ride in the car. That if she is dry and fed, that you have to walk and sing and sing and sing and maybe just cry with her. That it isn't as easy as pop her in the car to force her to sleep.

This is something that I need to work on. I need to stop with the silent treatment. I need to say what I feel. And why. Because my feelings are valid. They are real. And it is fair. It is fair to want some time for me.

This is also something that WE need to work on. We need to establish a real, true balance. That hasn't happened yet. It is all or nothing around here. He works, I care for baby. Depending on my level of exhaustion, I do all the housework, or he does. He always does all of the yard work. Everything is all or nothing. And it isn't really even. If I am exhausted and don't load the dishwasher for a week, he gets fed up and does it. Then he takes care of everything else I've neglected. Which I imagine frustrates him, but he doesn't say so. Then in his frustration, he gives up on housework, and I get fed up with the mess and I do it all.

Well look at that. I've just figured it out. Wow. Do you think he'd be mad if I woke him up to talk about this?

Oh my...

2009-02-14T23:31:00.002-07:00

I've been trolling the blogosphere looking for fun stuff to read. I found Jezer. And she has this amazing video . And it made me cry. And it made me feel guilty because Baby Cakes just went to bed about an hour ago, which is three hours past her bedtime. And I was frustrated with her. Because mommy needed a break and why oh why couldn't she just go to sleep and let me have a glass of wine and a peaceful moment with the interwebs? And now if I'm feeling frustrated, I'm going to remember that song. And it is going to give me pause, and remember what an amazing and wonderful thing it is to be a mommy. Even when she just won't sleep and I desperately need a break.

Oh, and I want to have another baby. I don't know why. I yearn for it. Not just yet. But soon. It is going to happen. I think I'm nuts.

Feels like today...my life is changing.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T16:45:00.007-07:00

If you celebrate I hope you had a good time! I don't do Valentine's Day. Silly Hallmark holiday.

I've got a sick baby and a sick daddy on my hands. I'm not entirely sure the baby is sick. She's not running a fever, but she's definitely not acting like herself. She's just kinda blah and wants nothing but cuddles. So for the sake of my sanity, I passed off sickish baby to sick daddy for some nap time cuddles.

I'm off to clean out the pantry and the fridge. Sure sign I'm getting sick too. I get nesty when I'm sick. And I have that icky achy shoulders/back/neck thing going on. This is gonna get interesting.

Friday in Photos

2009-02-13T22:23:00.019-07:00

Baby Cakes was sickish today. She's sleeping happily now, I think she'll be fine tomorrow. (That picture is of her in my lap. So her face isn't buried, she's laying on her side.)

Just for fun...Loki's quest for Kraft American Cheese from my grilled cheese sandwich:

He does love him some cheese. Also: french fries, jelly, spaghetti sauce and pizza crust. He has very well rounded tastes in food.

While I was playing invalid with Baby Cakes, I came across Her Bad Mother. Good stuff.

Incidentally, I just learned how to do the purple underlined linky thing. And also, did you know the Home and End keys navigate webpages? Who woulda thunk it? I actually once considered myself computer savvy. Looks like not so much. But I'm going to figure it out, you just watch.

Oh, Jake says I can get my nails done. I made sure to explain to him the maintenance. He said that's fine with him. He even offered to go into to work early so he can get home early so I can go tomorrow! Seriously, he is the most awesome ever.

Speaking of nails...I watched the interview with the lady who had eight babies in California. She's got her nails done. Seriously? She's on food stamps, but has her nails done? That looks like a brand new set too. Just seems like if one is trying to explain how hard it is, and how one is having a hard time financially, one wouldn't go get a full set of acrylic nails right before doing a TV interview. And if you look closely at the picture linked, she's got them done in that one too! What the heck? Me thinks I smell a rat.

How Do I Love Thee...And shopping

2009-02-12T23:48:00.006-07:00

In a moment of passive-aggression, I made a comment to Jake the other night about how he doesn't participate in the baby's care. I was frustrated. He went to work the next day, and when he came home, he was a new man. He immediately relieved me of Fussy McFusses Alot as soon as he walked in the door. He instructed me to take a break, and proceeded to walk around with her, talk nonsense and sing. Wow. Later, I got her in bed, but she decided she was having none of it. Jake went to her, rocked her, walked her, and got her back to sleep. He was so proud of himself. And I was so proud of him. Me thinks a new leaf has turned. Jake+Adeline=true love. And today he vacuumed the house for me. Swoon.

My aunt gave us some cash to use as we saw fit. My plan was to bank it. Jake thought otherwise. He decided I deserved a treat, and insisted that I buy myself some new clothes. I do love this man! He pointed out that I never do anything for me. So a trip to Target was planned. We decided to go as a family on the great first time ever shopping excursion. Hindsight shows that this was poorly planned.

I fed baby A. She seemed happy enough. So off we went at five PM. With minimal fussing in the car, we arrived at the store. Jake bought me a Starbuck's, and himself some popcorn. We collected the necessities. By the time we hit the baby department, baby A was quite done. She started to fuss her nanana cry, which means feed me. Dilemma. We had a cart full of stuff. I had never nursed in public. What to do? I tried bribing her with presents. No dice. We scanned the baby section for something to distract her. Yeah, you can't distract a two month old who is hungry. So I grabbed a nursing shawl and opened it, and damned if I didn't walk around Target feeding my baby. She was happy while I picked out my clothes. Jake took her while I tried on some jeans. (Let's have a moment of silence for my size four body.) None fit. Baby was crying. I snagged a couple of .ahem. slightly larger jeans and a couple of cute tops, and we headed for checkout. By this time baby A was in a full-on fit. I told Jake to take her to the car nowpleasebeforeIhaveanervousbreakdown. The cashier was awesome. She asked how old baby A was, and I told her. She was so kind to me, even though my kiddo had made a huge scene in the checkout line.

All in all, it was a successful trip. I got some new duds. And a new nursing shawl. We will have clean dishes and toilets. And I will not be shopping again in the evening with baby A. Stupid mommy should have known better than that.

Now I am having an internal battle. I dearly want to go get my nails done. I haven't had nails in over a year. It is expensive, and vain, and not necessary. But they look soooo pretty when they're done. Do I or don't I?

: P

2009-02-09T11:59:00.003-07:00

Yes, I resorted to an emoticon for my title. : P on you if you have a problem with it.

I woke up this morning with a HUGE chip on my shoulder. I am pissy.

I asked Jake to leave me his debit card before he went to work so I could go buy paint at Lowe's. You know, since he lost my debit card and my new one isn't here. Butbutbut he says...I need gas. Oh, well you can take my car, there's plenty of gas in it. Butbutbut he says, what if I need a drink? Butbutbut what about all those times before you had any money that you took my debit card and left me at home with no fundage and sometimes took my car and I can't drive your car? Butbutbut. Jerkhead.

R, who is on my cell phone plan needs a new phone. I changed the plan, and they didn't advise me that it would take away our get new phone privledges. So I asked to have it put back the way it was, which hasn't been done. R has been texting me all morning about her phone. It won't charge. She needs a new one NOW. OHMYGOD I don't care this minute. I'm sorry. That sucks the phone doesn't work. They have cheap phones just buyanewgoddamedphone and leave me alone!

My aunt is flying into town tonight. I am soooo exicted. I named my baby after her. She's that awesome. She'll be here at 4. Uhoh. Four is not a good time at my house. Actually, from 4-8 PM is not a good time in my house. That is when all hell breaks loose and the only thing that will make baby A happy is to walk back and forth while I sing the Ants Go Marching song. Over and over and over again. You know, the ants go marching one by one hurrah hurrah...There's going to be familial discord tonight when I tell my dad that I can't bring the baby over until tomorrow. Sorry Aunt A! We will visit, I swear.

Ugh. Maybe it is the weather. It should be a rare treat to have a cloudy rainy day. I was going to paint the doors today. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just keep reading blogs. Incidentally, I found a fantastic blog over the weekend here. It is laugh out loud quality.

I'm off to have a cup of coffee and hopefully get rid of this bad attitude.

update: I drove right by the bank and had to turn around. Some jerk tried to kill me by turning right from the left-turn lane. The drive through at the bank was closed. Lowe's didn't have the brand of paint I wanted. Stupid day.

Doing So Good

2009-02-04T23:39:00.003-07:00

I went out today. Adeline and I went to buy a Wubba Nub. Pictures to follow. So cute, and she actually likes it.

So the list...Today's projects:
Go to bed by midnight. Even if I just lay there. (done)
Walk the dogs (not done-ran out of time)
Finish cleaning on Wednesday (not done just didn't feel like it so there)
Knit (not done ran out of time)
Continue routine (done-bathtime/bed routine anyway, otherwise we have none)
Talk to my mom (done-email counts!)
Talk to Jake about parenting (not done-he was at work when I woke up, and after working 14 hours was sleeping by the time I was in a talky mood)

Tomorrow's list:
Go to bed by midnight
Walk the dogs
Clean
Knit
Continue routine
Talk to Jake about parenting
Go to Joann's
Meet R at Verizon
Go to my mom's
Taxes
Bills

I'm going to make a baby wrap! Check out http://www.wearyourbaby.com/.

I feel good. Jake is really proud of me too, which is nice. He's so great, all supportive and stuff. I love having a happy relationship with more goods than bads. We're not perfect by any means, but he's such a great guy most of the time that it is easier to forgive his mistakes.

My list for tomorrow is long, but I'm ready for tomorrow to be here already! Let's get this party started! And I'm stoked about the wrap thing. I think I'll do bills, then go to Joann's and get my fabric, and clean and babywear at the same time. Oh exciting!

I just used the word stoked. It is time for me to go to bed. Sheesh.

I think I fixed the comment issue-Thanks Heather!

Progress...

2009-02-03T23:20:00.002-07:00

I went to bed last night and slept. I woke up this morning at a reasonable time. On the list of things to do:
Go to bed by midnight. Even if I just lay there. Starting tonight (Tuesday)
Walk the dogs at least once a day (not done)
Finish cleaning on Tuesday (not done)
Not sit around during the day. I'm wasting time. (Done!)
Knit everyday. I really enjoy that. (not done)
Start a routine (sort of done)

La kiddo was in a mood today. She did great for the morning/early afternoon. I got a real, true smile! One for me! The others had been for Jake, but this one was all for me. And a coo. It made my life. Seriously. The day progressed and things started to go downhill. Jake started my dinner, so I figured I'd do a bedtime routine, put the baby to bed and I'd eat, and Jake and I would spend some quality time together. Hahaha. Joke's on me tonight. She adored her bath, always does. Tried to convince me I was torturing her by applying baby lotion. I took her to her room, figured I'd feed her and lay her down. I fed her-so far so good. I laid her down. Still going well. I sat down to eat. Her Mama Is Eating radar must have pinged. I handed my plate to Jake and got her back to bed. Five minutes later, I was back in there again. And again. And again. I brought her out to the living room and fed her. And put her in her bassinet. That worked for a bit. All in all, it took me about 2 hours to eat my dinner. She finally dozed in her swing and now she's asleep in her bed in my room. Thank goodness. I was so done. She's been kinda clingy for the past couple of days. I think it may be a growth spurt.

As for me, today was a good day. I did lots of productive stuff. I didn't do everything on my list, but I made good progress and I'm proud. I think I like the bedtime routine I'm trying to get started.

I'm still mad at Jake from yesterday's mess, but mad just doesn't go away. I know that'll pass. I'm concerned about our family dynamic right now. It seems like it is me and Adeline. And Jake. Not me and Adeline and Jake. That's a problem that we need to get figured out soon, because he thinks she hates him. Of course she doesn't but since she spends 98% of her time with me, I'm her One. I'm her main Boob. And in my infinate knowledge, I didn't ever bother to discuss with him child-rearing strategies for babyhood. We have it all figured out as far as how we'll do it once she's, oh 14. But until then we may be in a little trouble. I'm all about the attachment parenting...I didn't explain it to him. Oops. My bad.

So for tomorrow:
Go to bed by midnight. Even if I just lay there.
Walk the dogs
Finish cleaning on Wednesday
Knit
Continue routine
Talk to my mom
Talk to Jake about parenting

Lists

2009-02-03T00:15:00.004-07:00

I just typed a whole lot and deleted it. Too much dirty laundry airing was going on. The point was: some bad stuff happened today, and as a result of it I think things around here are going to change for the better. Cryptic, no? What matters is that issues were resolved.

After an evening of letting some trusted friends more or less take care of the baby (minus feeding her) and a day of not having any expectations of myself, I'm feeling a little more together and grounded. Not well necessarily, but somewhat better. I was flat out lazy today. I sat around alot. I read a blog-all of the posts from the beginning up to the most recent one. It made me laugh out loud, and I needed that! So thanks, Heather in Florida. I follow the blog-she writes when the baby isn't looking. I have no idea how to do that cool thing that makes a blue, underlined word go to a website.

After a day of voyeurism on the internet (aka reading the blog of a stranger), I realized that while life isn't easy, and far from perfect, there are two ways to deal with things. I can look for the silver lining or be all Eeyore about it. And I really think that some of my mental health issues are of my own doing and that there's room for a lot more positivity than I have going on.

So...I have a project for myself. I am going to make me better. And here's how I'm going to do it.

Go to bed by midnight. Even if I just lay there. Starting tonight (Tuesday)
Walk the dogs at least once a day
Finish cleaning on Tuesday
Not sit around during the day. I'm wasting time.
Knit everyday. I really enjoy that.
Start a routine

Okay. There's my list. I'm giving myself one week to tackle this one. I read that if you do something for four days it becomes a habit. So I want the above items to become a habit. The cleaning one will be a maintenance thing. Next Tuesday, I'll make a new list. For now, I'm going to go write a list of tomorrow's routine. And go to bed.

Losing My Mind

2009-02-02T16:02:00.004-07:00

I'm fairly sure I'm losing my mind. What's that you say-all new mamas feel this way? Yeah, no. This is waaaay worse than that. I feel like a rapid cycling manic depressive. One day I'll be a thousand miles an hour, and by afternoon/early evening I can't function. Then later that night, off I go again. Next day, nuthin'. Don't even make it out of bed. I cry. My digestive system is out of whack ('nuff said about that). I hate it. It isn't fun. Yesterday was really bad. Today, not so much. Good thing: Jake is being super understanding and trying his damnedest to be helpful and supportive, which isn't always easy when I'm acting like a lunatic. He lets me try to struggle through the bad times on my own, then swoops in to save the day. He knows better to immediately swoop because I have to try and fail first, or I get testy (er). The man has the patience of a saint. Other good thing: I don't think this is affecting my relationship with Adeline. I still love her, I do not feel angry or resentful towards her. And on bad days, she's like my little ray of sunshine and focusing on her and her needs distracts me from my craziness.

I think I'm working up to some kind of big epiphany here. I feel something {} to me being able to express it out loud. I keep trying but not quite making it. I hope whatever it is it is good and maybe calms my mind down a bit.

Terrified

2009-01-30T23:40:00.003-07:00

As I adjusted to the idea of being pregnant, I thought of what it would mean to have a baby. Up all night, reaching milestones, how our lives would change. I pictured visits to family, hanging out with friends. The preschool years. Even having other babies. What never occured to me was how aboslutely terrifying it would be to be someone's mother.

There's fear associated with being pregnant. You find out, usually pretty early, then the goal is to reach the 12 week mark. After 12 weeks, it is (usually) all good. Things move in small increments from there. Next step: the Big Ultrasound. This is the one where you can find out boy or girl, if you are so inclined. They determine if the necessary parts are all there. The anxiety leading up to this day is overwhelming. For me, it was a day of excitement. The first pictures of my child. My daughter. I knew it right away. It was the first thing we saw, those girly parts. The three lines. Soon after I saw her, I could feel her. New anxiety. Was she moving enough? Too much? Next step, 28 weeks, for bloodwork. (I skipped that one though). Then the appointments come every two weeks instead of once a month. Still monitoring movements, still worried the heartrate would be different, or worse, gone. Then, the appointments are every week. Still more anxiety. It is getting close, the Big Day. Anxiety turns to anticipation, then back to anxiety. There could still be problems, a surprise issue no one could predict. What if she has Downs? Or another genetic issue? What if I did something wrong? The Big Day comes. For me, there was no fear. I was so focused on what I was feeling physically and talking myself through it, I didn't have room to be scared. She was born, and in my arms. Perfect. She was perfect. Still is, as a matter of fact.

Now there is a new terror, new fears. I love her. More than I ever thought was possible. Sometimes I lose control over my mind, my thoughts. Awful pictures pop into my head. Empty cribs, useless car seats. Sorting through baby clothes, each with a memory, no longer needed. How can I think such horrible thoughts? It is like a waking nightmare sometimes. But I am so afraid. What if something happens? How would I survive it? How would I go on if I didn't have her? I try so hard to keep these thoughts away. They make me feel hollow, empty. They make me feel panic and terror. Then I look at her, and I feel whole and calm.

I don't sleep much anymore. More than just the normal new baby in the house sleeplessness. I can't. I can't miss a second. Even if she's in her bed, I need to be awake. Awake to check every few minutes. Just to look at her. Just to lay my hand over her little body and feel her breathe. For some reason, nights are worse. I can sleep after the sun comes up. Why does it feel like the sun prevents disaster?

I imagine this stuff will gradually get easier. She'll get older, a little more solid. A little stronger. She'll be all right. I know she will be, deep down. Until then, I guess I'll keep up my late nights. I'll let myself check on her over and over. To watch her breathe. To wait for her to wake up again so I can hold her, feed her, then lay her back down to start my vigil all over again. And I'll wait for the sun to come up so I can sleep.

The First Six Weeks

2009-01-28T19:47:00.001-07:00

She's six weeks old today. She still has ten fingers and 10 toes. We haven't dropped her on her punkin head. She seems to be fairly well adjusted, happy and thriving. I guess we aren't total failures. Yet.

Actually, the whole parenting thing has been easier than I anticipated. I think we really lucked out in the baby department and she's just easy to get along with. Yeah, I'm surviving on much less sleep than I thought was humanly possible and I've seen more poop and washed more spit-up on clothing than I ever could have imagined, but all in all, this is...well, it's cake.

We've had bumpy spots of course. At first she had jaundice and wasn't gaining weight the way they wanted her to. So I was told to supplement her feedings with formula. Which she refused. Which sent me in to a sobbing puddle of failed mommy. But that all sorted itself out quite nicely. Maybe I'm just in some sort of stupor, but I can't think of anything else that's been really challenging.

She's gotten into her stride and is finally past the sleeping all the time phase. We're lucky, she's happy during the day to hang out in her swing and watch us do what we need to do. She has her nightly fussy period, but as long as she's being held or fed, she's content. Keeps my hands full, and nothing else gets done, but it is a small price to pay. She's even sleeping now for pretty good chunks of time at night.

I'll come back and read this when she's two and demands to wear the same mismatched outfit for weeks at a time.

Labor and Delivery

2009-01-28T19:11:00.003-07:00

On April 26th, 2008 I discovered I was pregnant. Surprise! That was a Holy Shit moment. Forgive my use of ugly words. I will deposit a quarter in the Ugly Word jar shortly. So started the first day of the rest of my life. No more adult drinks for me!

Over the next seven months and 22 days I was Pregnant Beth. No sushi, no drinking, no coffee...It was horrible. Actually, it wasn't all that bad. Minus heart burn bad enough to strip paint, having to pee 1,000 times a day...But no, really, it wasn't that bad. Feeling a tiny person wiggle around inside my belly was wonderful (except when she wiggled her feet into my ribs). Setting up a nursery, taking belly pictures, I was told I was glowing even. All in all, a good experience.

On December 16th, I felt kinda funky. I left work an hour early after telling my boss I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Drove home, had two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (hey, I was pregnant, I could get away with stuff like that) and some pasta salad. Had insane urges to clean things and was super short tempered. A while later, I started to suspect that potato salad had been past its prime. Definately feeling funky. I was chatting with some ladies who were also pregnant or due any day, and the consensus was that I was in labor. Pshaw! Me, in labor? No way. So started the pacing and bouncing on the yoga ball. Whatever this stomach thing I had gotten was kicking my ass (yep, I owe .50 to the Ugly Word jar). All this time Jake is blissfully sleeping in the other room (he was flu-ish). Eventually it occured to me that I might be in labor, and if so, I had been for about seven hours. Rut roh Shaggy. So I went to wake up Jake, but right as I was walking to the bed, I had a contraction. So I grabbed his feet, causing him to go from a dead sleep to a man of action in about a half a second. At this point the power of conversation had escaped me, but I was able to communicate to him that I wanted a shower. NOW! I think my head may have spun around at this point, and there may have been some spewing pea soup action. So he ran me a shower, and grabbed my (thankfully already packed) hospital bag. By 2:30 AM we were on the road. I couldn't sit, so I rode on my knees with my bum towards the window grabbing Jake's arm. Passed at least three cars that really should have cared that we are driving about 90 MPH but no problems there.

At the hospital it was a classic movie scene. Jake pulled up and ran in to get a wheelchair. The ER nurse takes one look at me and grabbed the handles and started running and yelling at people to get out of our way. She was telling me not to push. Yeah right. I'd been 'not pushing' since before we left the house. They got me to OB triage and on a bed. One look at the business end of things had me flat on my back rolling through the halls with the nurse yelling all kinds of stats that to my mind sound like I'm going to have a baby NOW. Sparing the gory details, Adeline Melissa was born about 10 minutes after we arrived at the hospital. Drug free I might add.

Once Jake has determined she has ten fingers and 10 toes and that I'm in good shape, he goes to move the car from the ER entrance. They kindly didn't have it towed, but I doubt there would have been time anyway.

Lessons learned:

1)less than 10 days from your due date+stomach pain does not equal food poisoning.

2)I inherited my family's quick and easy labor/delivery genes

Less than 36 hours later, we got home. They gave me a packet of brightly colored papers that supposedly had instructions and sent us on our merry way. The only things they wanted to know were did we have running water and a car seat. No one asked if we knew how to raise a kid. We must have looked really competent.

So it started. Now I'm someone's mom. Just when I had gotten used to being Pregnant Beth, it all ended and I became The Mama Beth. Terrifying.